Who Saves Me?
by IceQueenRex
Summary: I can never compare to her. And yet, when she dies, Robin comes to me, the dark one. And so I save him, day after day, holding his hand and keeping him close. But just how close can I get? And at what price?


Title: Who Saves Me?

She was gone. Dead and gone. And she was never coming back. Not this time. Never would they see those bright green eyes or that beautiful mane of red hair or that sweet smile that always seemed to cheer people up.

And I? I couldn't save her. I was the only one who could. But when I had to choose between her and three others, I chose them. I never forgave myself. And I never will. All I have left...are the memories. And even they are too painful to keep.

The Teen Titans will stick together. That's what Robin said, to honour Starfire. She would have wanted it. And we will. We will get through this. But...why does it feel so hard? Why can't I get through it? Even though the others seem to be trying their hardest to move on.

Oh...I see now. It's...because of him. Because of Robin. He's still not over her death. He still kills himself for it every single day. And me? He asks me to stay with him. And I do. I try to help him. I sit at his bedside every single night, holding his hand as he tries to cry.

But he can't. And neither can I. The two of us...we haven't shed a single tear. And that's what kills us so. We can't cry. But we want to...oh so badly we want to.

I've tried. I really have. I scream and I shout, I tried letting Sorrow escape. But even she wouldn't cry. She had no tears to shed. And Robin? He just has none left.

We're both so pitiful and yet, because of Starfire, we're sticking together. We have to. We can't risk or take losing each other. We won't take it. We need each other...all of us. We don't want anymore loss.

And so we live, from day to day, the tower quieter now as Beast Boy and Cyborg have stopped playing games, as Robin has stopped sitting around to watch television...as I have just locked myself in my room all the time, apart from when Robin says he needs me.

We talk...but it's in hushed voices, lacking the life and strength that Starfire always fired us up with. We have nothing. But...now...we kill if we have to. Us, older teenagers. We kill if necessary. We've learnt that you either kill or be killed. There's no two ways about it.

And we do. We fight harder, we act stronger and we breathe danger. But I have my limits. I still cannot afford to let my emotions go. I still hold back...and maybe that is why I cannot cry.

I just don't.

And yet...ironically, I'm their emotional support now. I don't know whether it was because I was the only girl now...but they come to me now. When they have problems, when they're hurting and when they're lost. They come to me and I sit with them or just watch them or even talk to them.

It brings me comfort to know that I can bring others' minds at ease. But it hurts that no one can do that for me.

I'm sorry.

I don't know if they blame me partially for her death. Because I did manage to save them. But all the time, I keep thinking; if only I'd been stronger. I even thought about stopping time and going back.

I could you know? I can still do that. But that would mean...me becoming very weak. And I don't know if I could survive that. And so...there's the choice...me or her?

I don't know. I just don't know!

I loved her. She was like my sister. The one I never had. And for that, I killed her killer. So if her killer killed her, and I killed her killer...who's going to kill me?

I don't know. But...do I want to know? But maybe...I already do...

_Robin..._

So as I sit here in his room, this night, and watch him sleep, every day, slowly turning into the Nightwing he wants to be, I hold his hand. Tightly.

He has his mask on and as I kneel by his bed, I bend down, my growing hair spilling in torrents around my face. A bend closer, my other hand brushing his skin ever so slightly as I peel away his mask, revealing sleeping eyes.

"Did you ever show Starfire those eyes?" I whisper, lacing my fingers with his.

"Will you ever show me those eyes?" I ask, again, not really expecting an answer.

So I pull my hood up and stand up, his hand growing looser in mine until he lets go, still in the deep slumber that is filled with so many things. Things that cause pain.

"Am I in your dreams?" I say, gazing at him.

"Do I...cause you pain?"

And it is then that I realise something that I would have preferred to have kept in the dark. Somewhere, through all the hurt and sleepless nights, somewhere, through all the yelling and the blaming, somewhere, through all the pain and the torture, somewhere...along the way...I fell in love.

And...I hate myself for that. He belongs to Starfire. And she belongs to him. When she died, she took his heart with her, as if to say that she'd keep it until he joined her again.

And yet...there's a small amount of hope. Hope that he calls me to be by his side not just to comfort him...but hope that he may...love me back.

But I smother that as I watch him sleep. His messy black hair around his pillow, his slightly parted lips and his beautiful closed eyes.

"Do you love me?"

The question leaves my lips before I even realise it and I don't notice until it's too late that his breathing is softer now, almost silent. And I wonder if he's awake...is he? No. He still looks asleep.

And so, I just sit down again and talk to him, by voice soft and my amethyst orbs looking at him longingly. "I wish you knew how much I..." I stop, closing my eyes, the words caught in my throat.

"I blame myself you know...for her death. It's my fault. I could have saved her...if only I was stronger." I pick up his hand and stroke my thumb against his cool skin.

"Every night you call me here...and I wonder why. Is it just for company? Is it because you need me to make things better like everyone else? Is it...because you just want me to comfort you? Or...is it because you actually care?"

I sigh, playing with a lock of his hair.

Never once, has anyone asked me how I was doing. Not since her death. Not once has anyone come to me to hold me tight. I did it all. I stood strong for all of them but no one came to me. No one wanted to save me. I did it all.

And yet I feel no remorse. I'm not angered or hurt. Because I've locked them away. I don't need to feel those unimportant emotions.

"I don't need to feel." I whisper, closing my eyes and gripping my knees.

"I don't need to feel because," I look down at his soft face, "I need to be there for all of you."

I'm tired now, my body is heavy with fatigue and I feel myself falling into the hands of Morpheus. Just hold me. If no one else will, Morpheus will. He's the only one who can wash my guilt away, even if it is just for a night.

I look back down at Robin, my Robin. And I tell him, "Only I can save you."

And I close my eyes, still kneeling by his bed. "But...will you be the one to save me?" I don't even will myself to cry anymore. I've given up on trying that.

But sometimes, I feel that I'm about to. And as I welcome the feeling, it goes away, sliding into oblivion. "Or...will you be the one to kill me?"

Then, a slow tired smile forms on my lips. "Maybe...I'm already dead."

I sigh and stand up, turning to leave. "I'll still be here in the morning."

As I begin to walk away, a hand grabs my wrist and sharply pulls me down and I gasp as I fall. I lay on top of him, my violet hair creating a curtain around our faces.

He looks up at me, with deep cerulean eyes, my face only centimetres from his. I can feel his hot breath on me and I just stare at him. I have no more energy to even blush.

"Raven..." He whispers and his hands are around my face, pulling me down. Our lips brush and then he's stronger, pressing his lips on mine in a second and we're both hungry for more.

He flips me over, never once parting our lips. I could never describe the sort of happiness that washed over me as he held me then, our bodies entwined as he slips my clothing off with gentle fingers and smooth caresses.

He runs his hands all over me and I shiver at his touch. He leaves no part of me untouched or unexplored as he kisses me, trailing down my neck, my chest, my abdomen, my arms and legs.

And it was here, that I found the strongest pleasure in the sweetest pain. I never wanted it to end, I could have gone through my whole life alone if this one memory stayed with me. Our bodies moved in rhythm with each other and he knew where I could feel.

He knew my body like the back of his hands...like the eyes behind the mask. He could make me cry out at the slightest touch or shiver with the smallest movement.

And I loved it. He was Robin and I was Raven, two birds who had lost their way and found it in one night. We rolled like thunder under the sheets and we finally collapsed, breathing hard and deep, beads of sweat dripping down out bodies like water.

I panted and smiled, my eyes closed as he lay naked next to me, holding me close in that dark room. And he slept, not saying anything at all. He could finally sleep tonight and I wondered to myself, if he would be able to sleep well from now on.

But one whispered word shattered everything.

"Starfire..."

My eyes widened in pain and I turned around, looking into his sleeping face, a small smile on his lips as he said her name.

"Starfire...I love you."

And then, I cried. It came down as a single tear that was so beautiful yet so horrible at the same time. And then more came, running down my face like rain. I cried silently to myself in his arms, in his unknowing arms.

And then I stared at him, tracing his features with my fingers. I could never replace her. I could never be loved as much as her.

And so, I had to make things be as they once were. I didn't care if it killed me, I didn't care if it took me away or sacrificed me. I was their support. But they needed her more.

Only I could save them.

So I slipped out of his arms and donned my suit, pulling my hood over my head. I bent down, a few stray tears falling onto his face as I kissed him sweetly on the lips.

And as I stood up, and looked down on him, I whispered a soft 'goodbye.' And I spread my arms out, my dark energy growing in my hands as a powerful wind erupted, blowing my cape upwards, my face cast to the sky as I felt my magic spread, as I whispered those magic words and let two more tears fall down my face.

I looked at Robin. He lay still, like the rest of the world. Like stone. I would save them, because no one would save me.

And I smiled down at him before I felt time move, a sudden jolt that sped backwards hundreds of days. And as I went back, I whispered, "It is done." And I could finally do what I should have done that day.

I could save them. I could save me.

* * *

A/N: Just some late night angsty stuff. Make sure to REVIEW:D I love Robin/Raven...pity in this story Starfire had to interfere...

Peace out!  
Rex


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